Chelsea will play host to Manchester United in the latest edition of Premier League pantomimes on Sunday.
After the pathetically boring 0-0 draw at Anfield on Monday, Sky Sports may hold back on the dramatic build up of Sunday’s encounter knowing full well that Jose Mourinho is back in town to spoil all the fun.
The focus will undoubtedly be on Mourinho’s return to his spiritual home of Stamford Bridge, his first return after he was sacked for the second time as Chelsea boss shortly before last Christmas.
With both teams packing new armoury, Antonio Conte is the man chosen to lead the Blues against the Red Devils but there’s only two men who will impact the result on the pitch; and these two men can be ruthless bastards at the best of times.
These stats were released ahead of he clash which show Chelsea striker Costa having the better season in comparison to Manchester United’s Ibrahimovic; but who has enough to edge it if we delve a little deeper?
We probably don’t need stats to tell us that Zlatan is better at heading the ball than Costa, do we?
You do? Fine.
There, happy now?
This could of course mean that Manchester United play more long balls than Chelsea. This could also mean that Manchester United’s crosses are more accurate, the opposition defenders smaller etc etc.
Might be worth mentioning that Zlatan is 7cm taller than Costa but we shouldn’t focus too much on that detail, I’d have Tim Cahill and Shane Long down as better headerers of the ball than both of them.
After this in-depth analysis I’m ready to evaluate. Ibrahimovic probably better at heading a football, Costa probably better at headbutting a man.
Aerial duels won per game:
Ibrahimovic: 3
Costa: 1.3
Result: Zlatan.
Tough one, this.
Both have differing styles of finishing and I have massive respect for both. Diego Costa, a bit like Thomas Muller, manages to find a way to score in pretty much any way possible. They’re normally quite scruffy but every now and the he can produce some weird acrobatic effort.
That said, Costa’s goals are always pretty crucial to the result of the game he’s playing in, so there’s that.
On the flipside, Zlatan Ibrahimovic can hit the ball really bloody hard and I have the utmost admiration for that.
Yes Suarez, Neymar, Aguero, Messi, Lee Trundle will go down in the history books for scoring beautiful goals, but how many of them can say they broke power records on the first day at a new club?
None. That’s how many. Anyway:
Result: Draw.
Thinking about how these two strikers contribute to team-work is really interesting concept, a difficult one to quantify.
A quick Google search (other search engines are available although probably not as good) of the definition of ‘team-work’ gives us: ‘The combined action of a group, especially when effective and efficient.’
Which throws a spanner in the works, I can’t imagine Costa or Ibrahimovic doing anything at their respected clubs as part of a ‘combined group’… Unless, of course, Costa was part of a bank robbing crew in the dark depths of South America or something.
You’ve got to envisage Ibrahimovic wandering into the training ground and youth academy prospects simply fainting at the sight of him; so I guess his team-work comes in the shape of scooping young footballers off the ground and handing them over to the physio.
Jose Mourinho’s tactics have left Zlatan isolated up front at times this season, while Costa goes to battle at the heart of Antonio Conte’s team every week sooo…..
Rating: Costa.
On the pitch there’s not a lot to separate these two to be honest.
Like the aforementioned sections, we’re going to have to delve a little deeper and try to imagine our mortal warriors away from the luxuries of Premier League football.
Let’s imagine, say, just for fun, that we have a night out planned with both players. Separate nights obviously, we’re not that kind of crazy.
Diego Costa
You know that the night would start well, sophisticated almost. We’d head out for a nice fresh meal, tapas maybe. Share a bottle of vino, Diego would stand up in the middle of the meal, grab the waitress and spontaneously break into a smooth salsa dance.
People would applaud, the waitress would be impressed, we’d all be in awe of his charm.
However, Diego would no doubt suffer from the ‘one more pint’ syndrome and the next thing you know it we’re down Tiger Tiger at 3am and some lads called Jonno, Smithy and Beaver are offering us outside for a brawl.
Before you can blink, the red mist has descended and Diego has obliterated everyone in sight and we’re on the run.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Do you remember that really bad film called ‘Goal II: Living the Dream’? Gavin Harris, the English playboy living in Madrid, takes sweet and innocent Santiago Muñez through the an alleyway of secret kitchens to find a nice, quiet spot to dine. This is how a night out with Zlatan would begin.
The difference, however, is that once you reach the table it’s full of very intimidating people. A bit like if you met your partner’s parents for the first time and their father was giving you a good dressing down.
After putting you to shame with the amount of food you can’t eat, Zlatan would then lead the soiree to a private villa and inside everything would be white. Like marble floors and pianos.
However, there will be an unforeseen incident. The chef (even though you’re still full from the meal) has managed to set the volovants on fire. In panic, people try to escape but keep tripping over all the champagne bottles.
Zlatan, staying calm, will start picking up men and women, stacking them high on his shoulder and carrying them all out at once.
Phew.
Right, after all that, I think we can safely say Ibrahimovic is stronger.
Rating: Zlatan.
Confusingly, there’s not a lot to like about either of these two men but at the same time I love them more than any writer should love a man they’ve never met.
Costa is hated by pretty much everybody on the planet for his on-field antics. Never a moment passes on the pitch without the Brazilian-born Spanish international squaring up to somebody, diving around, confronting the referee, flailing his elbows around while picking up yellow cards for fun.
Zlatan on the other hand demands a certain respect on the pitch. An aura that no other man can assert. His ego, for example, stops defenders from even touching him during a set-piece:
People hate Costa and love Ibrahimovic, that seems to be the general vibe. But let me ask you this question: Would you really want to be best mates with Ibrahimovic?
I mean, yes he’s good value. Yes he’s funny and is admired everywhere around the world, but that ego, that arrogance. It would certainly get tiring pretty quickly, wouldn’t it?
You: ‘Zlatan, fancy a beer?’
Zlatan: ‘Zlatan does not simply go for a ‘beer’, Zlatan must brew this so called beer in my own personal brewery and have it brought to me in a golden chalice.’
The third person thing would, quite quickly, become a bloody nightmare.
Our mate Diego on the other hand is actually a really good bloke. Yes he’s a complete plonker on the pitch but off it, he’s practically an angel.
Off the pitch, you could just about make friends with Costa so, for that reason, we’re going controversial…
Rating: Costa.
There we have it.
Done.
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